Anxiety/Depression

I just began taking an antidepressant. I was in constant pain. My arms and legs were weak and sore. My nerves all felt on edge. I put my hand gun away after I thought how easy it would be to make this all go away. I was treating my wife terribly, and didn't really realize it. My friends who noticed would comment on how I had not been myself in a long time. Stress does incredible things to you. I took my first pill today at about 5 pm. At 6:30 I began feeling very dizzy and sick. 20 minutes later my legs stopped hurting, the nausea went away. I'm still a slight bit dizzy, but not too bad. I have not felt this good in a long time. I feel great. Emily said wow Dad. I haven't seen you this happy in a long time.

The drug helps saratonin levels in the brain which is a neurotransmitter. If you need help, get it. I have a documented history of panic attacks during stressful periods in my life. I never thought about trying anti depressants. My doctor suggested it. I was hesitant. I felt TERRIBLE the other day. I walked in and told her I wanted to try it. It's the first day so don't know what will happen when it really gets into my system, but for now I feel wonderful.

In the arms of my Dad

I remember being carried to bed by my Dad when I would fall asleep on the floor or the couch. I remember the sensation of being lifted up in capable arms and tucked into bed. I was satified to remain "asleep" because it felt so good to be loved like that.

I carried Simon to bed tonight after he fell asleep on the couch. How I wished for one more time to be carried to bed. That person would be pretty big to do that. Good night. Hey would some one carry me to bed please.

Confusion

So many different denominations and sects of the christain faith say so many different things. For one belief system, missing church will send you to hell. For another, the only thing that will send you to hell is not accepting Christ and hundreds of differences in between. Who can know? I will not pretend to have all the answers and dogmatically tell others I have the whole truth. I think I am arriving back to a point where I think I am reconnecting with what I believe. I still have much doubt in some areas.

I find it hard to talk to people who are set in their belief and zealously defend their views. I am not ready to put God away, but I am not ready to say I know all there is to know to defend one stance over another.

I had a unusually hard night the other night. I dreamed terrible, demonic dreams. I woke up exhausted from running, hiding , and defending myself in my dreams. I prayed, "Why are you so aloof God, and the things that terrorize me are so attentive?" When my son has a bad dream and cries out I am right by his side comforting him. Why does God not do this. I would comfort my son no matter if hated me or not. A good father can't help it. He must be there for his kids.

I don't know the answers. "God works in mysterious ways" seems an inadequate. I will keep on searching clinging to my faith how ever small it may be.

What Jesus are they talking about?

Blogging is therapy. I was too chicken to post what I just wrote. I guess I was the only one who needed to read it.

Success!

As I wrote earlier in the month, I went Elk hunting with a friend of mine who guides on several ranches outside Cheyenne. We went yesterday on a neighboring ranch to his. We found the elk and they weren't on the other side of the fence.

We drove to about a mile of the elk, got out and began our stalk. We walked approximately 2 miles out around the valley , the last few hundred feet being in clear view. We walked single file very slowly, stopping at one point for 5 minutes standing completely still. The elk went back to eating. We crawled up to a rock formation, looked over the top. There they were, 100 elk bedded down or feeding just 150 yards away.

I was to shoot first. I steadied the rifle on the rock, picked one out...it turned to face me, and the herd stood up. I picked another cow who was not close to the others and fired. It was a good shot. The herd trotted 100 yard or so and stopped. My friend's wife picked one out and fired. We had two elk on the ground.

This was my first experience with stalking ending in success. Of course, my friend the guide had much to do with this. The valley was beautiful. Out of the wind, a little bit of snow on the ground. Not many people have access to this sort of hunt. Hunting elk on public land is much more difficult and with much lower success rates. My experience was truly a privilege.

A quick thought

I am sitting in the church office preparing music for this morning. I am listening to George Winston. His piece "Thanksgiving" is playing. It is a piece of music that has been with me since my teens. Life is lived again through music. What a wonderful thing. Have a great day. I am going to.

truck

I bought the truck any way. I think I got taken, but it's too late. It made sense at the time. If you are married, listen to your wife. She is smarter than you will ever be. At least in my case. I'm glad she loves me. She told me love covers a multitude of sin. I think she meant love covers up when you are totally brain dead.