Profound Love

As I lay in bed this morning waiting for the alarm to go off so I could snooze it,  I heard Kim breathing, and felt her beside me. I dug under the covers and put my arm across her and hugged her close cupping my hand to her breast. She stirred and told me she loved me. I was overcome with a feeling beyond words. This woman chose me to spend her life with through the good and the bad. I told her I loved her and felt as though those words were so inadequate to express the way I truly feel about her. 

She is always there for me. Even when we fight, she is still there for me, and I for her. Two people hopelessly linked forever. I bare my soul to her, letting her have the opportunity to totally destroy me or build me up.  The act of love is totally opening yourself up to some one trusting they will be honest, gentle, and wanting the best for you. It doesn't always happen that way, of course.

Kim is gentle, kind, knowledgeable, wise, cruel, sexy, shrewd, frugal, firry...I could go on. I love the good and  the bad in her...profound love. 

Journey

Life is a journey. when old friends come back into your life it makes life that much richer. I see where I have changed and grown, sometimes good, sometimes bad. To all my friends and family from the past and present, thank you for enriching my life. I love all of you.

Rheumatoid Arthritis

Well, I finally have a diagnosis...RA. The journey has been hard, but it is good to know what is wrong with me. Treatment is going well. Some days are hard, but prognosis is good. So many more people have worse things to deal with. Day to day, I cope, I win. Doctors and drugs are wonderful. Kim is the most wonderful woman. Supportive, loving, understanding, and she always has my back (good in bed, too). What more can a man ask for...

Anxiety/Depression

I just began taking an antidepressant. I was in constant pain. My arms and legs were weak and sore. My nerves all felt on edge. I put my hand gun away after I thought how easy it would be to make this all go away. I was treating my wife terribly, and didn't really realize it. My friends who noticed would comment on how I had not been myself in a long time. Stress does incredible things to you. I took my first pill today at about 5 pm. At 6:30 I began feeling very dizzy and sick. 20 minutes later my legs stopped hurting, the nausea went away. I'm still a slight bit dizzy, but not too bad. I have not felt this good in a long time. I feel great. Emily said wow Dad. I haven't seen you this happy in a long time.

The drug helps saratonin levels in the brain which is a neurotransmitter. If you need help, get it. I have a documented history of panic attacks during stressful periods in my life. I never thought about trying anti depressants. My doctor suggested it. I was hesitant. I felt TERRIBLE the other day. I walked in and told her I wanted to try it. It's the first day so don't know what will happen when it really gets into my system, but for now I feel wonderful.

In the arms of my Dad

I remember being carried to bed by my Dad when I would fall asleep on the floor or the couch. I remember the sensation of being lifted up in capable arms and tucked into bed. I was satified to remain "asleep" because it felt so good to be loved like that.

I carried Simon to bed tonight after he fell asleep on the couch. How I wished for one more time to be carried to bed. That person would be pretty big to do that. Good night. Hey would some one carry me to bed please.

Confusion

So many different denominations and sects of the christain faith say so many different things. For one belief system, missing church will send you to hell. For another, the only thing that will send you to hell is not accepting Christ and hundreds of differences in between. Who can know? I will not pretend to have all the answers and dogmatically tell others I have the whole truth. I think I am arriving back to a point where I think I am reconnecting with what I believe. I still have much doubt in some areas.

I find it hard to talk to people who are set in their belief and zealously defend their views. I am not ready to put God away, but I am not ready to say I know all there is to know to defend one stance over another.

I had a unusually hard night the other night. I dreamed terrible, demonic dreams. I woke up exhausted from running, hiding , and defending myself in my dreams. I prayed, "Why are you so aloof God, and the things that terrorize me are so attentive?" When my son has a bad dream and cries out I am right by his side comforting him. Why does God not do this. I would comfort my son no matter if hated me or not. A good father can't help it. He must be there for his kids.

I don't know the answers. "God works in mysterious ways" seems an inadequate. I will keep on searching clinging to my faith how ever small it may be.

What Jesus are they talking about?

Blogging is therapy. I was too chicken to post what I just wrote. I guess I was the only one who needed to read it.