Hhhhh....

So I am listening to piano music by Jim Brickman. Dad and Mom come to mind. How hard Mom worked and took care of all of us. Then the Alzheimers....The best time of my Dad's life it seems was taken from him. Not only him, but those years were dominated by the illness, coloring everything a dull gray. Now there is an empty feeling. A big hole. It took much from all of us, not the least being my Dad.

It would have been so cool having a Dad in this time in my life. He would have been 69 this December. He was gone a lot longer than he's been dead. I guess you never really grow up. You always need your Dad. I'm glad I had one for 30 years. Some people never have one.

If you read this Mom, thank you for all the early mornings you left for work, and all the late hours you spent taking care of us. I love you, Mom....Oh, and for helping me pass Algebra. I am a math idiot.

Jack Ass

If I didn't like the President before, I love him now. You must here the clip where he calls Kanye West a "jack ass" for interrupting Taylor Swift's award lime light. The inflection was perfect. I like him. I know the office needs a certain amount of pomp, but a man who does not take himself so seriously that he can't let people see his human side...he's a guy you could sit down to dinner with and feel at ease.

Sunset

Tonight, Kim and I sat on a bench out at the church and watched the sunset. I was so tired, and it was so comforting to sit beside her, being tired. As though there would be no better place to be tired than with her.

We had a really hard couple of days. Like, "I am leaving you", couple of hard days. We are working it out. I still love Kim. I may not like her sometimes, but I love her. Being married is difficult.

It's good to have some one to sit and watch the sunset with.

No Secret

I have come to realize, which is no secret, that there really is no difference between church people and non church people. Of course there is the no smoking, drinking, and public dancing thing (the last being outdated for the most part). At least church people don't tell each other they do. Why do you not take one Baptist fishing with you? He will drink all your beer. Take two instead. You will have all the beer to yourself. They might not even go if there is beer there.

In fact, I find non church people to be more kind and understanding in the face of being wronged. there are exceptions, of course in both cases. The pastor is teaching a sermon on Christians loving other Christians. Is not that the corner stone of the faith. He should not have to teach a sermon on that.

Christians have the same pursuits as non christians. A comfortable place to live. Enough money to enjoy yourself. Two cars. In some cases extreme wealth. If Christians really believed what is in the bible, we would sell everything, purchase an old, crappy truck and fifth wheel and travel the county making sure people don't go to hell.

I rather enjoy unchurched people. I enjoy certain "churched" people as well. Just cut the crap church people. Quit being so psuedo- spiritual.  The world puts you to shame.

I was at church camp this summer playing music for the kids. One session, the teacher was talking about sin. Of all the bad things such as lying, stealing, talking bad about your friends, fighting with no purpose, not loving your fellow human being, what does the speaker pick....smoking. The grandest of all sins. Give me a break. We split churches and treat people terribly, but by golly nobody smokes or drinks. Praise the Lord what a good christian.

The world doesn't hate you because of Christ, they hate you because of you. I hear it constantly from unchurched people. 

Well, I'm done. I'm sure I have been guilty of these things in the past. I hope not again. And no, I am not selling my house and traveling,  telling people how to avoid hell. 

Dream

So Kim and I had a fight last night at 1 am. She goes to the couch, I go to bed. This is what follows...

I lay in bed stewing over the fight. I then sing the new bass line in my head for song for several mindless minutes. I fall asleep, and Kim and I are driving a small RV on icy roads. We pull over and a cop (who is really not a cop) pulls up behind us, and shoots us both in the head. I ask in a daize why he did that. He tells me he will tell me later. He has an uncanny ability to shoot people and not kill them. If that 's not disturbing enough...

The "cop" is part of a ring of demonic beings who are trying to take over the world. We end up iin a lab where several scary things happen. I end up delivering this thing out of a woman that has horns and rides on this little flying insect thing and it escapes from the lab. Kim has since exited the dream.

I go home to rest from this ordeal, except home is a weird Munsters looking place. I enter the house and there are all sorts of beings in there who won't let me leave. I am terrified. Hollywood would be proud of the monstrous beings my mind created. I begin calling on Jesus to save me or show up or something. I rebuke them in Jesus' name, and they just laugh.

Three amazingly human things show up and I think one of them is Jesus, but he just sits there and looks at me, not doing a thing. I finally get outside, but like gravity the house pulls me back in. New appraoch...sex. Sorry if this is graphic. All men dream like this. If they say they don't they lie, or they are uber spiritual or something.

I will leave out details. This demonic thing seduces me, and finally I am repulsed, and break free. It says it will appear differently. A knock at the door and three women come in. I am being pulled into the trap. I still can't break free from the house. I wake up exhausted.

Still trying to fugure out what it means

Dad...

I was given a Mary Chapin Carpenter CD with a song on it that was special to me when Dad died. I am listening to it now. I cried for several minutes as I remembered him. In a way I wish that he had died quickly (or not at all!) to remember him as George Mullikin. As it is, my mind is fresh with Alzheimers memories. I really have a hard time remembering him as himself. Instead I am assaulted with memories of crap on the floor, creepy and violent behavior, and the long one-sided good bye. Dad was stolen away a little piece at a time.

Dad...it will 9 years on August seventeenth. He's been gone far longer than that.

Quiet

I sit at my kitchen table. All I hear are the birds, and the faint sound of the boys playing over at the neighbors. Simon is sleeping. Emily is doing something downstairs. A break form the circus that is my house.

I made waffles with Simon this morning. I tickled and loved on him. the kids all enjoyed the waffles. Life can be hard sometimes with four kids, but it is worth it. Now if only I can remind myself of that when the circus comes back to town. Times not to be taken forgranted...the circus and the quiet.