Dad...

I was given a Mary Chapin Carpenter CD with a song on it that was special to me when Dad died. I am listening to it now. I cried for several minutes as I remembered him. In a way I wish that he had died quickly (or not at all!) to remember him as George Mullikin. As it is, my mind is fresh with Alzheimers memories. I really have a hard time remembering him as himself. Instead I am assaulted with memories of crap on the floor, creepy and violent behavior, and the long one-sided good bye. Dad was stolen away a little piece at a time.

Dad...it will 9 years on August seventeenth. He's been gone far longer than that.

Quiet

I sit at my kitchen table. All I hear are the birds, and the faint sound of the boys playing over at the neighbors. Simon is sleeping. Emily is doing something downstairs. A break form the circus that is my house.

I made waffles with Simon this morning. I tickled and loved on him. the kids all enjoyed the waffles. Life can be hard sometimes with four kids, but it is worth it. Now if only I can remind myself of that when the circus comes back to town. Times not to be taken forgranted...the circus and the quiet.

Love /Hate Relationship

Prednisone, the arthritic's friend. You love what it does for you and hate being on it. I guess it's like tobacco. I feel almost normal on it, but it makes you fat and your body's ability to uptake calcium is seriously impaired (not to mention other side effects). Oh to be normal again, whatever normal is.

Dancing Barefoot

Last night I went to see Crooked Parker play at the Moose Lodge. I invited my brother, his wife, and a couple other friends. Unfortunately Kim was not there. She is in Ohio.

When I first went in, there were only older couples there ,and I thought Great! I get to see old people dance. What a narrow way of thinking. We stayed and had a wonderful time. I danced with my sister in law barefoot, and with April, Jesse's wife. the music was wonderful. The people were incredibly friendly. It was very cool hanging out there with them. It was incredible watching these couples dance and line dance. It was a great night with Nate, Tammy, Jesse, and April. Too bad Kim was not there.

Crooked Parker...if you are in Cheyenne you need to look them up and see them.

Absense makes the heart grow fonder...

Kim has been in Ohio for almost two weeks. Seventeen years of marriage is not enough. I need more with her. Talking to her on the phone gives new perspective. We only have talking. Touching and physical manifestations of love are so important to us that I feel like I am shrivaling on the inside. She will be home Monday night late. We both agree, two weeks is too long. Go hug some one you love...

Parenthood

I know this blog will upset some people who have no children, but I am going to write it anyway. I have been confronted by the great canvern between people with and without children so much in the past few days, that I must comment. I apologize in advance.

To those of us who have children, childrenless adults seem strange. Not so much in married couples, but they seem self-centered as though the world obviously revolves around them. Giving their life's energy away to some one else is foreign. If they are sick, they stay in bed. If they don't want to do something, they simply don't. If they want to spend Saturday in the mountains or fishing or reading, they do. Their personal comfort is paramount. I'm sure these poisoniuos comments come from a certain enviousness on my part, and there are people who are exceptions to these statements.

On the other side, for those of us with children (and who give a shit about them) life is very different. We try to be self-centered but are thwarted at every turn. We are the last thing the world revolves around. Our life's energy is ours at about 8:30 pm if you have a routine (I strongly recommend a routine), but you are too tired to do anything. I often lose sleep attempting the do the things I want to do, like writing this blog. Saturdays are filled with things my children want to do, and when I do get to do something I want, I feel guilty. Personal comfort...I find that in my beautiful wife, and the little adoring eyes of the kids.

It sounds like I really hate having kids. I dislike and love it at the same time. I love Saturday morning pancakes and the fighting over who gets to help me. I love that their are little people depending on me, oh I also dislike that part. I love being called "Dad" and "Daddy". I love the team work it takes to raise the kids. My hat is way off to single parents. I do it for short stints, but there is always a light at the end of the tunnel, a relief hitter, reinforcements. I don't know what keeps you going other than you just simply have to. I love every one being out of diapers. The next thing is everyone being able to wipe themselves (Emily and Ben excluded of course). I love having a 13 year old girl who is incredibly responsible, and three boys who's boyhood I can relate to. I love the little hugs and kisses.

In the end, I certainly am happy for my four children. Life is richer because of them. The responsibility can be burdensome, and I dislike that at times. I just have to do it. Kim and I made them. They are ours to take care of. I am going to love having grand kids. It's a wild ride that will be coming into the station in about 15 years.

So...people with no children, be patient with me please. I just envy your freedom. I'm sure some of you envy my having children...you may borrow them if you don't lose them, and in return give me some of your freedom for the night. The grass is always greener some where else. I love my kids. I'm just weary.

"Sigh"

I'm tired. I'm tired of Arthritis. I'm tired of struggling with faith. I'm tired of dogma. I'm tired of religion in general. I'm tired of people who have no doubt about anything. I'm tired of not having a sex drive. I'm tired of taking medication. I don't feel like talking to anybody.

Janna's surgery went well. Now the long recovery. Kim will be gone for two weeks helping out.  I don't sleep well when she is gone, yet I am not tired of sharing her with her sister.  Life is hard right now, but it could be harder.