I know this blog will upset some people who have no children, but I am going to write it anyway. I have been confronted by the great canvern between people with and without children so much in the past few days, that I must comment. I apologize in advance.
To those of us who have children, childrenless adults seem strange. Not so much in married couples, but they seem self-centered as though the world obviously revolves around them. Giving their life's energy away to some one else is foreign. If they are sick, they stay in bed. If they don't want to do something, they simply don't. If they want to spend Saturday in the mountains or fishing or reading, they do. Their personal comfort is paramount. I'm sure these poisoniuos comments come from a certain enviousness on my part, and there are people who are exceptions to these statements.
On the other side, for those of us with children (and who give a shit about them) life is very different. We try to be self-centered but are thwarted at every turn. We are the last thing the world revolves around. Our life's energy is ours at about 8:30 pm if you have a routine (I strongly recommend a routine), but you are too tired to do anything. I often lose sleep attempting the do the things I want to do, like writing this blog. Saturdays are filled with things my children want to do, and when I do get to do something I want, I feel guilty. Personal comfort...I find that in my beautiful wife, and the little adoring eyes of the kids.
It sounds like I really hate having kids. I dislike and love it at the same time. I love Saturday morning pancakes and the fighting over who gets to help me. I love that their are little people depending on me, oh I also dislike that part. I love being called "Dad" and "Daddy". I love the team work it takes to raise the kids. My hat is way off to single parents. I do it for short stints, but there is always a light at the end of the tunnel, a relief hitter, reinforcements. I don't know what keeps you going other than you just simply have to. I love every one being out of diapers. The next thing is everyone being able to wipe themselves (Emily and Ben excluded of course). I love having a 13 year old girl who is incredibly responsible, and three boys who's boyhood I can relate to. I love the little hugs and kisses.
In the end, I certainly am happy for my four children. Life is richer because of them. The responsibility can be burdensome, and I dislike that at times. I just have to do it. Kim and I made them. They are ours to take care of. I am going to love having grand kids. It's a wild ride that will be coming into the station in about 15 years.
So...people with no children, be patient with me please. I just envy your freedom. I'm sure some of you envy my having children...you may borrow them if you don't lose them, and in return give me some of your freedom for the night. The grass is always greener some where else. I love my kids. I'm just weary.
2 comments:
It is funny that the ones who are most likely to take your kids for a day to give you a break are those who have kids of their own.
Pete, I can understand how foreign of a concept it is for you to internalize an existence without being a parent. And, yes, it makes total sense that if one chooses not to be a parent, that individual may have certain "freedoms."
Pete, the decision to be a parent is simply a matter of choice, no option greater than the other. Like life itself, there are many complexities to consider.
In many ways, I believe the decision NOT to be a parent (or delaying the process) can be just as noble as making the decision to be a parent, especially when the adult holds a "skewed" impression on what it's like to EFFECTIVELY raise children. Some folks could be a little uncomfortable with the "fake it to you make it" approach to parenting. Or, like me, many just want to be well-informed: "What are kids like?" "Am I financially and spiritually mature to handle such a great task?" "Who are my support systems?" "Do I have other 'callings' to consider first?" "What are my personal motivations?"
I am amazed at how many parents there are in our society that make uninformed, mindless, spiritually damaging choices in raising their kids, yet hold an ideal impression of themselves just because they hold the label, "Dad" or "Mom." To them, all one truly needs to be successful and accepted in our society is to bear children. That may be true, but, arguably, couldn't this also be a form of selfishness?
I also believe that if one or both parents are mentally and emotionally ill, parents themselves can be their own children's greatest enemy, not the weird single guy down the street who'd rather stay home than watch a sunset.
My point is this. Let's just simply allow people to be who they are without comparing them to our idealized versions of the perfect world. All individuals can contribute wonder and innocence in this world without being parents. Whether it be through the arts, being a good friend (one who does baby-sit, as well, lol), or being a good neighbor.
Pete, challenge yourself daily to step outside your own frame of mind and make an effort to connect with others without judgment. You'd be amazed at how healing of a process this is.
What we don't understand tend to lead us to greater community.
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