Quiet

40....George Winston on itunes... only two people on the worship team showing up this morning...Quiet. You know that place of bittersweetness? I guess I am at that place this morning. My life is good, but I feel like something is stale needing to be changed.. My arthritis hurts today. I know, "quit wining, Pete". Thanks Kim for putting up with me for so long. I love you...

Star Wars

When Nate nd I were litle boys, we were at my Aunt and Uncles on Staton Island, NY. The year was 1976 (77?). My dad and my uncle Al took Nate, my cousin Trevor, and I to see Star Wars in the movie theater. I remember the front of the theater, and the smell of popcorn. It was wonderful.
We then went back to my uncle's house and played star wars for several days.

This morning my boys watched star wars and are now playing star wars. I remember being upset that our pretend light sabres did not have the blade. Now my boys have the blade. 6 bucks at walmart. It is so good to see their imaginations run wild like mine did. It is a full circle experience. It makes me smile.

Wake Up Call

Kim is back from her Grandmother's funeral. I will really miss Grandma Corner. It truly was like going to grandma's house when we went there. There was no awkwardness or worry about doing the wrong thing. She always had a smile and cookies in the cookie jar. We would play scrabble for hours. Her great-grand children adored her. We went for walks down by the river. I felt really at home there.

It was good closure for Kim to be at her house for a while by herself. We did not know how bad she was or we all would have come sooner to tell her goodbye. It is hard to see the ones you love pass on. It is a passing of a whole generation of time. It will never be the same again. I have learned form thinking of this that the most important thing in life is your family and keeping close to them. Setting the building blocks now for a good future of happy times when my children are grown with their own families has become more important. I want my grand kids and grand kids to feel the way I feel about Grandma Corner. Coming home is a pleasure for them. A time to relax and be taken care of.

So to those (if any) who read this, make it a priority to prepare for the future of your family. Many hard times and bad things happen to us in life. Stick together and stick it out, loving each other through the good and the bad. I get lost sometimes in this, and needed a wake up call again. Kim, I love you and want to give this to our children. So bare with me as I fumble through. I look forward to seeing our children grown and living good lives of their own. And when it's time for them to come home, I don't want anything to be between us except love and acceptance. You are the best thing that ever happened to me and we have four beautiful children. What more can I ask for. Now, I just have to not mess it up. We will do it together....Pete

Hhhhh....

So I am listening to piano music by Jim Brickman. Dad and Mom come to mind. How hard Mom worked and took care of all of us. Then the Alzheimers....The best time of my Dad's life it seems was taken from him. Not only him, but those years were dominated by the illness, coloring everything a dull gray. Now there is an empty feeling. A big hole. It took much from all of us, not the least being my Dad.

It would have been so cool having a Dad in this time in my life. He would have been 69 this December. He was gone a lot longer than he's been dead. I guess you never really grow up. You always need your Dad. I'm glad I had one for 30 years. Some people never have one.

If you read this Mom, thank you for all the early mornings you left for work, and all the late hours you spent taking care of us. I love you, Mom....Oh, and for helping me pass Algebra. I am a math idiot.

Jack Ass

If I didn't like the President before, I love him now. You must here the clip where he calls Kanye West a "jack ass" for interrupting Taylor Swift's award lime light. The inflection was perfect. I like him. I know the office needs a certain amount of pomp, but a man who does not take himself so seriously that he can't let people see his human side...he's a guy you could sit down to dinner with and feel at ease.

Sunset

Tonight, Kim and I sat on a bench out at the church and watched the sunset. I was so tired, and it was so comforting to sit beside her, being tired. As though there would be no better place to be tired than with her.

We had a really hard couple of days. Like, "I am leaving you", couple of hard days. We are working it out. I still love Kim. I may not like her sometimes, but I love her. Being married is difficult.

It's good to have some one to sit and watch the sunset with.

No Secret

I have come to realize, which is no secret, that there really is no difference between church people and non church people. Of course there is the no smoking, drinking, and public dancing thing (the last being outdated for the most part). At least church people don't tell each other they do. Why do you not take one Baptist fishing with you? He will drink all your beer. Take two instead. You will have all the beer to yourself. They might not even go if there is beer there.

In fact, I find non church people to be more kind and understanding in the face of being wronged. there are exceptions, of course in both cases. The pastor is teaching a sermon on Christians loving other Christians. Is not that the corner stone of the faith. He should not have to teach a sermon on that.

Christians have the same pursuits as non christians. A comfortable place to live. Enough money to enjoy yourself. Two cars. In some cases extreme wealth. If Christians really believed what is in the bible, we would sell everything, purchase an old, crappy truck and fifth wheel and travel the county making sure people don't go to hell.

I rather enjoy unchurched people. I enjoy certain "churched" people as well. Just cut the crap church people. Quit being so psuedo- spiritual.  The world puts you to shame.

I was at church camp this summer playing music for the kids. One session, the teacher was talking about sin. Of all the bad things such as lying, stealing, talking bad about your friends, fighting with no purpose, not loving your fellow human being, what does the speaker pick....smoking. The grandest of all sins. Give me a break. We split churches and treat people terribly, but by golly nobody smokes or drinks. Praise the Lord what a good christian.

The world doesn't hate you because of Christ, they hate you because of you. I hear it constantly from unchurched people. 

Well, I'm done. I'm sure I have been guilty of these things in the past. I hope not again. And no, I am not selling my house and traveling,  telling people how to avoid hell. 

Dream

So Kim and I had a fight last night at 1 am. She goes to the couch, I go to bed. This is what follows...

I lay in bed stewing over the fight. I then sing the new bass line in my head for song for several mindless minutes. I fall asleep, and Kim and I are driving a small RV on icy roads. We pull over and a cop (who is really not a cop) pulls up behind us, and shoots us both in the head. I ask in a daize why he did that. He tells me he will tell me later. He has an uncanny ability to shoot people and not kill them. If that 's not disturbing enough...

The "cop" is part of a ring of demonic beings who are trying to take over the world. We end up iin a lab where several scary things happen. I end up delivering this thing out of a woman that has horns and rides on this little flying insect thing and it escapes from the lab. Kim has since exited the dream.

I go home to rest from this ordeal, except home is a weird Munsters looking place. I enter the house and there are all sorts of beings in there who won't let me leave. I am terrified. Hollywood would be proud of the monstrous beings my mind created. I begin calling on Jesus to save me or show up or something. I rebuke them in Jesus' name, and they just laugh.

Three amazingly human things show up and I think one of them is Jesus, but he just sits there and looks at me, not doing a thing. I finally get outside, but like gravity the house pulls me back in. New appraoch...sex. Sorry if this is graphic. All men dream like this. If they say they don't they lie, or they are uber spiritual or something.

I will leave out details. This demonic thing seduces me, and finally I am repulsed, and break free. It says it will appear differently. A knock at the door and three women come in. I am being pulled into the trap. I still can't break free from the house. I wake up exhausted.

Still trying to fugure out what it means

Dad...

I was given a Mary Chapin Carpenter CD with a song on it that was special to me when Dad died. I am listening to it now. I cried for several minutes as I remembered him. In a way I wish that he had died quickly (or not at all!) to remember him as George Mullikin. As it is, my mind is fresh with Alzheimers memories. I really have a hard time remembering him as himself. Instead I am assaulted with memories of crap on the floor, creepy and violent behavior, and the long one-sided good bye. Dad was stolen away a little piece at a time.

Dad...it will 9 years on August seventeenth. He's been gone far longer than that.

Quiet

I sit at my kitchen table. All I hear are the birds, and the faint sound of the boys playing over at the neighbors. Simon is sleeping. Emily is doing something downstairs. A break form the circus that is my house.

I made waffles with Simon this morning. I tickled and loved on him. the kids all enjoyed the waffles. Life can be hard sometimes with four kids, but it is worth it. Now if only I can remind myself of that when the circus comes back to town. Times not to be taken forgranted...the circus and the quiet.

Love /Hate Relationship

Prednisone, the arthritic's friend. You love what it does for you and hate being on it. I guess it's like tobacco. I feel almost normal on it, but it makes you fat and your body's ability to uptake calcium is seriously impaired (not to mention other side effects). Oh to be normal again, whatever normal is.

Dancing Barefoot

Last night I went to see Crooked Parker play at the Moose Lodge. I invited my brother, his wife, and a couple other friends. Unfortunately Kim was not there. She is in Ohio.

When I first went in, there were only older couples there ,and I thought Great! I get to see old people dance. What a narrow way of thinking. We stayed and had a wonderful time. I danced with my sister in law barefoot, and with April, Jesse's wife. the music was wonderful. The people were incredibly friendly. It was very cool hanging out there with them. It was incredible watching these couples dance and line dance. It was a great night with Nate, Tammy, Jesse, and April. Too bad Kim was not there.

Crooked Parker...if you are in Cheyenne you need to look them up and see them.

Absense makes the heart grow fonder...

Kim has been in Ohio for almost two weeks. Seventeen years of marriage is not enough. I need more with her. Talking to her on the phone gives new perspective. We only have talking. Touching and physical manifestations of love are so important to us that I feel like I am shrivaling on the inside. She will be home Monday night late. We both agree, two weeks is too long. Go hug some one you love...

Parenthood

I know this blog will upset some people who have no children, but I am going to write it anyway. I have been confronted by the great canvern between people with and without children so much in the past few days, that I must comment. I apologize in advance.

To those of us who have children, childrenless adults seem strange. Not so much in married couples, but they seem self-centered as though the world obviously revolves around them. Giving their life's energy away to some one else is foreign. If they are sick, they stay in bed. If they don't want to do something, they simply don't. If they want to spend Saturday in the mountains or fishing or reading, they do. Their personal comfort is paramount. I'm sure these poisoniuos comments come from a certain enviousness on my part, and there are people who are exceptions to these statements.

On the other side, for those of us with children (and who give a shit about them) life is very different. We try to be self-centered but are thwarted at every turn. We are the last thing the world revolves around. Our life's energy is ours at about 8:30 pm if you have a routine (I strongly recommend a routine), but you are too tired to do anything. I often lose sleep attempting the do the things I want to do, like writing this blog. Saturdays are filled with things my children want to do, and when I do get to do something I want, I feel guilty. Personal comfort...I find that in my beautiful wife, and the little adoring eyes of the kids.

It sounds like I really hate having kids. I dislike and love it at the same time. I love Saturday morning pancakes and the fighting over who gets to help me. I love that their are little people depending on me, oh I also dislike that part. I love being called "Dad" and "Daddy". I love the team work it takes to raise the kids. My hat is way off to single parents. I do it for short stints, but there is always a light at the end of the tunnel, a relief hitter, reinforcements. I don't know what keeps you going other than you just simply have to. I love every one being out of diapers. The next thing is everyone being able to wipe themselves (Emily and Ben excluded of course). I love having a 13 year old girl who is incredibly responsible, and three boys who's boyhood I can relate to. I love the little hugs and kisses.

In the end, I certainly am happy for my four children. Life is richer because of them. The responsibility can be burdensome, and I dislike that at times. I just have to do it. Kim and I made them. They are ours to take care of. I am going to love having grand kids. It's a wild ride that will be coming into the station in about 15 years.

So...people with no children, be patient with me please. I just envy your freedom. I'm sure some of you envy my having children...you may borrow them if you don't lose them, and in return give me some of your freedom for the night. The grass is always greener some where else. I love my kids. I'm just weary.

"Sigh"

I'm tired. I'm tired of Arthritis. I'm tired of struggling with faith. I'm tired of dogma. I'm tired of religion in general. I'm tired of people who have no doubt about anything. I'm tired of not having a sex drive. I'm tired of taking medication. I don't feel like talking to anybody.

Janna's surgery went well. Now the long recovery. Kim will be gone for two weeks helping out.  I don't sleep well when she is gone, yet I am not tired of sharing her with her sister.  Life is hard right now, but it could be harder.

Dreams

I had a dream last night. I had prepared for a Sunday morning service in advance because I knew I would be there at the last minute. We had just gotten a new assistant pastor. I walked in late, and the song service had begun. I was perplexed as to who had taken my place.

I walked in, and all the normal stage equipment was gone. There were about fifteen microphones with fifteen people singing. An older woman, the new pastor's wife, was playing the drums and singing. None of the congregation was singing. I wandered around the room saying," This is not how I want this". No one seemed to notice me or care that I was there. I found Kim and told here I was leaving. I woke up feeling fired and replaced.

I still have not decided what this means. Maybe nothing. Maybe an over- inflated view of my importance. Maybe they are going to fire me. Does any one else have dreams like this?

Profound

I like the word "profound". Can you tell?

Marley and Me

This movie has been out for quite some time. I have neglected to see it, because the previews made it look like some stupid dog movie I would have no interest in seeing. Well, I brought pizza home last night, and the family was looking for a movie on the On Demand. They wanted to watch Marley and Me.

No movie could have been more misrepresented then this one. Kim and I were fascinated at how the movie captured real life. The bliss of marriage before children, being thrust into parent hood when you don't think you are ready, the pain of losing a baby (which Kim and I have been through...quite a teary moment in the movie), and the joy when you are pregnant again. Sleepless nights with a baby, and a damned dog who wakes the baby up barking at the trash man. Total exhaustion caring for children, and slowly getting your life back as they begin to be self sufficient. Married sex on a squeaky twin bed, need I say more? Emily was conceived in my parents basement in New York with a sheet in between the two "bedrooms". Nate and Tammy were in the next "room". The quietest sex known to man. What a precious memory...what a precious child.

If you have ever had to put your dog to sleep, the last seen will make you weep. We had a dog named Bobbie. She was a naughty dog, but we loved her. She would steal whole batches of chocolate chip cookies off the cooling rack. I guess the chocolate caught up to her. She got something called Addison's disease. Her body no longer took nutrients out of her food. We tried everything for her. The day we put her to sleep was pretty sad. She seemed to be doing really well that day considering. Even as I write this, I wonder if we did the right thing. We did...we did.

She was playful in the vet's waiting room as she ate the free dog bones. We took her in the back and the doctor prepped her. He asked us if we were ready, and we asked for a minute with her. We said our good byes. He came back in and told us it would be very fast. As the doctor injected her, she immediately slipped away. I remember thinking "wait! that was too fast". I envisioned being able to comfort her and pet her as she slowly fell asleep. It was too fast for me, but just right for her. Selfish on my part I'm sure.

Anyway...the last seen of the movie, Kim and I were crying and little Simon and Sean were comforting us, little Simon kissing our faces. I've had a good life. What is life without pain? What is joy without pain? Both make life a wonderful journey. Kim and the kids make life a wonderful journey. Phoebe is a great dog.

Marley and Me is a profound movie. You should see it.

Profound Love

As I lay in bed this morning waiting for the alarm to go off so I could snooze it,  I heard Kim breathing, and felt her beside me. I dug under the covers and put my arm across her and hugged her close cupping my hand to her breast. She stirred and told me she loved me. I was overcome with a feeling beyond words. This woman chose me to spend her life with through the good and the bad. I told her I loved her and felt as though those words were so inadequate to express the way I truly feel about her. 

She is always there for me. Even when we fight, she is still there for me, and I for her. Two people hopelessly linked forever. I bare my soul to her, letting her have the opportunity to totally destroy me or build me up.  The act of love is totally opening yourself up to some one trusting they will be honest, gentle, and wanting the best for you. It doesn't always happen that way, of course.

Kim is gentle, kind, knowledgeable, wise, cruel, sexy, shrewd, frugal, firry...I could go on. I love the good and  the bad in her...profound love. 

Journey

Life is a journey. when old friends come back into your life it makes life that much richer. I see where I have changed and grown, sometimes good, sometimes bad. To all my friends and family from the past and present, thank you for enriching my life. I love all of you.

Rheumatoid Arthritis

Well, I finally have a diagnosis...RA. The journey has been hard, but it is good to know what is wrong with me. Treatment is going well. Some days are hard, but prognosis is good. So many more people have worse things to deal with. Day to day, I cope, I win. Doctors and drugs are wonderful. Kim is the most wonderful woman. Supportive, loving, understanding, and she always has my back (good in bed, too). What more can a man ask for...

Anxiety/Depression

I just began taking an antidepressant. I was in constant pain. My arms and legs were weak and sore. My nerves all felt on edge. I put my hand gun away after I thought how easy it would be to make this all go away. I was treating my wife terribly, and didn't really realize it. My friends who noticed would comment on how I had not been myself in a long time. Stress does incredible things to you. I took my first pill today at about 5 pm. At 6:30 I began feeling very dizzy and sick. 20 minutes later my legs stopped hurting, the nausea went away. I'm still a slight bit dizzy, but not too bad. I have not felt this good in a long time. I feel great. Emily said wow Dad. I haven't seen you this happy in a long time.

The drug helps saratonin levels in the brain which is a neurotransmitter. If you need help, get it. I have a documented history of panic attacks during stressful periods in my life. I never thought about trying anti depressants. My doctor suggested it. I was hesitant. I felt TERRIBLE the other day. I walked in and told her I wanted to try it. It's the first day so don't know what will happen when it really gets into my system, but for now I feel wonderful.

In the arms of my Dad

I remember being carried to bed by my Dad when I would fall asleep on the floor or the couch. I remember the sensation of being lifted up in capable arms and tucked into bed. I was satified to remain "asleep" because it felt so good to be loved like that.

I carried Simon to bed tonight after he fell asleep on the couch. How I wished for one more time to be carried to bed. That person would be pretty big to do that. Good night. Hey would some one carry me to bed please.

Confusion

So many different denominations and sects of the christain faith say so many different things. For one belief system, missing church will send you to hell. For another, the only thing that will send you to hell is not accepting Christ and hundreds of differences in between. Who can know? I will not pretend to have all the answers and dogmatically tell others I have the whole truth. I think I am arriving back to a point where I think I am reconnecting with what I believe. I still have much doubt in some areas.

I find it hard to talk to people who are set in their belief and zealously defend their views. I am not ready to put God away, but I am not ready to say I know all there is to know to defend one stance over another.

I had a unusually hard night the other night. I dreamed terrible, demonic dreams. I woke up exhausted from running, hiding , and defending myself in my dreams. I prayed, "Why are you so aloof God, and the things that terrorize me are so attentive?" When my son has a bad dream and cries out I am right by his side comforting him. Why does God not do this. I would comfort my son no matter if hated me or not. A good father can't help it. He must be there for his kids.

I don't know the answers. "God works in mysterious ways" seems an inadequate. I will keep on searching clinging to my faith how ever small it may be.

What Jesus are they talking about?

Blogging is therapy. I was too chicken to post what I just wrote. I guess I was the only one who needed to read it.